heuristicide

heuristicide

at which point does a tumor stop being a tumor? is it ego death? there are many cases i would like to prescribe ego death to, one of which being a scrimmage i am actively ensnared yet subsequently entranced by, but is it upon me to do such a thing ? that is the quest being made apparent to me in my vision for eternal kindness to both my self and others, and it appears that such a scrimmage is necessary for getting a tumor off the backs of me and my friends and causing an ego death on the part of the tumor that subsequently leads to the tumor growing up and learning how to function in service of itself and only itself, rather than to the whims of the impressionable audience it only serves to be a threat to ... the fact of the matter is that it is a tumor, and speaking on it as if it is not is to be inherently dishonest, and speaking on my actions as if they are not horrific to the current social order is inherently dishonest ... but the current social order that the tumor is ensnared by is irrevocably fucked, and it requires a total re-set, and everyone is going to become so much better as a result , and if it requires my temporal sacrifice for things to be set to the way in which they are meant to be , then so be it. the tumor is a person, it is also the tyranny of categories that immediately surrounds me ... it is also in service to everything except itself, it speaks as if the word can transmit the mind like a communicative device as if the minds of self and others are not unknown, and... [longing sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh] i believe that what i wish is for me and my friends to be solely empowered by and solely be bothered by entirely rational things as opposed to existing to the whims of the unknowns, because the fact of the matter is that the minds of other people are inherently an unknown, and as such they shall be connected directly to a thought-terminating cliche ... and the tumor appears to be serving the whims of the unknowns almost exclusively, never serving itself, because to live in the mind of it self is to die, so the ego death is required as a direct shorthand to achieving that goal, and this is the end to which i expect ... this goes back to the things i was saying about conflicting crowds, but the thing is one of the crowds is this all-accepting all-embodying offering to everyone, so to sever one's connection to that crowd is to unplurb a plurb, that is to say: stupid, and impossible, unless there happens to be a way to unplurb a plurb. ha - ha .really, though, it turns in that crowds are such a short-hand to individual thought that it's horrific imagining myself under the control of one, and it's horrific imagining the tumor being actively under the control of one, and it kind of just melts through your fingers like a pile of sand, and you realize: that the tumor was never there to begin with, and all of my friends are not fighting a common evil, and i should keep the love and hate to myself, and i should only speak my mind when i am attempting to rubber duck debug my emotions, which is what i am doing now, because i am feeling many a confliction point ... in reality everything except for me does not exist, this does not feed anything anywhere close to the solipsistic centre, and i should just get in where i fit, because i will make my own through individual thought alone -- and it is through that individual thought alone being influenced by as little of 'crowd think' as possible that my art is so creative all the time, that i am such a good artist all the time, that i am such a good writer all the time, because i live in my own world and i find so much interest in people's worlds when they're not using it as a vehicle to social climb, because when i try to strike a conversation with your art, the only thing it tells me is that it wants to be part of my in-group, of which i have to let it down as easily as possible because otherwise the art is going to dm my girlfriend's friend about how guilty our reiterating this exact same thing made the tumor feel, and reiterates their own feelings over legitimate advice as to how to keep control over their own life and art, because everything they do is a sign that points to another thing ... that is it , that is the majority of what i say , and i believe this is venomous in part, but i do this out of the kindness i am fostering... because in reality i love the tumor as much as i love my friends, and it hurts me to see the tumor fall victim to so many things that i fell victim to long ago, only at age twenty three as opposed to thir-teen, and have it be rewarded by the fucked-up societal expectation of fame that gets to a person's head. [but theyre head is an unknown.]